In retrospect of 2011, I’m frankly just glad to have survived. If I were an animal, I would probably be a turtle or an ostrich, you know, the hiding kind. An animal that hides. That would adequately describe me. I remember well entering 2011. Justin had had a near brush with death and Lydia had just been diagnosed with glaucoma and had her first, and I was certain LAST surgery. I wasn’t stressed at all by her diagnosis, and I staunchly refused to read any of the glaucoma related material, because turtle that I am, we were not going to have to enter that realm. My heart went out to those that had to teach their child Braille and caning, but fortunately, that wasn’t going to be me. God knew what I could handle, and I had really been through it in 2010, so I was certain He wouldn’t ask me to go through more.
Here’s a little reality check, that saying, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”, is neither Biblical nor accurate. And if you feel that it is, I beg you, transport me to your reality. Check your Bible, it’s not there. He doesn’t promise that we won’t have more than we can handle, nor does He promise that we will have a respite from heartache, or hospitals, or tradgedies. He does promise that His grace is sufficient. He does promise that He is ENOUGH. Sufficient, enough, adequate, ample, SATISFIED, all adjectives of one another. A beautiful word, from a beautiful Savior. He is enough for me.
“And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee; for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
There are lots of moments this year that I am not proud of. Moments that I hid in my shell, trying to figure out how to survive. I have never taken a picture of Lydia in her hospital gown or going into, or coming out of surgery. They were moments I never wanted to remember, and they would have been images, I wasn’t sure I would be able to gaze upon. I wasn’t there for my boys like I should have been. Many times this year, I have seen pieces of their heart that I was loosing. I have spent countless nights praying over their sleeping forms, begging God to show me how to let them know they are just as important to me as she is. Begging Him to give me back the pieces of them I was loosing. Balancing is an art I’ve never mastered, and when you throw into the mix of running a business and homeschooling, a child with lots of therapies and special needs, to say that I’ve failed in just about every area would be an understatement of grotesque porportions. My goals of organization and keeping up with the laundry and the house, are a distant memory, as I grappled to just survive. Stepping tenatively outside of my shell, putting one foot in front of the other, and looking back on the year, I realize, that He was enough for me. The pain was still there, the stress, and lonliness, but somehow, He blessed me with His grace, and carried me with His strength, and He was enough.
As I look forward to 2012, I wish I had the optimism I once carried, but to say that I do would be a lie. I know it will bring more surgeries. I know it will bring things that are too hard for me to bear. I know I will struggle and cry and bury my head in the sand. I will fail. But, He is ENOUGH for me. He will pour His grace into the cracks and crevices of my life. He will be my strength in my darkest and weakest hours. He has proven Himself again and again. Yes, He is enough for me.